Review: "The Box Must Be Empty" by Marilyn Kriete

 

The Box Must Be Empty by Marilyn Kriete
Published April 2023 via Lucid House
★★★★

3.5 stars. Kriete's life was full and fulfilling: she and her husband were respected leaders in their church, the ICOC, and had spent decades living in one far-flung city after another, planting churches and building them up, then moving to another place and doing it all again. But a seemingly innocuous trigger shook loose Kriete's long-buried grief over losing her first fiancé to cancer, and in turn that grief set in motion changes in her marriage and relationship with her church.

The Box Must Be Empty is Kriete's second memoir, written long after the events described within—long enough that it's clear that she's had the time and willingness to do all the hard work of taking apart and putting back together again all the pieces of what happened. And that's fortunate, because it's a complicated, messy story: delayed/complicated grief, childhood trauma, a church community that at times was Kriete's lifeblood and at times toxic—not, generally, intentionally, but because (as I read it) the church leadership was unwilling to see the trees for the forest. (Or maybe, if I extend that metaphor: they were only willing to provide care for one particular type of tree, and anything that did not comply and grow the right kind of leaves and respond to the type of fertilizer the church spread was wrong and needed to shape up.) There's also what sounds like some truly appalling therapy, and, late in the book, Kriete ruminates on the possibility of the ICOC falling on the "cult" end of the religious spectrum.

And yes: at times it felt like too much. But the further I got into the book, the more I saw how all the threads pulled together—the way in which church was home and heart but also the source of significant stress (brought home when, for example, Kriete mentions her daughter starting in her eighth school...as of second grade); the way in which each move brought joy but also new grief. As far as writing a grief memoir goes, I don't think it would have been possible for this book to take religion out of the equation. The limited reading I did on the ICOC while (and after) reading this book makes me think that, however good the intentions of some, there is still more trauma that will come to light (and also that, even without "possible cult" status, their stances are far, far too conservative and narrow for me and their church services might make me break out in hives, but...that's neither here nor there, I guess).

So it's a lot. At times I wished I'd read Kriete's first book, Paradise Road, before picking this up—for a fuller picture, mostly—though it's not strictly necessary, and I'm glad she split the story across multiple books. I'm reminded a little of Evelyn Kohl LaTorre's books (her second one in particular), and this will resonate best with readers who don't mind a complicated memoir spread out over the course of several years; there is nothing in here that could be wrapped up easily.

Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.