Review: "We Used to Dance" by Debbie Chein Morris

We Used to Dance" by Debbie Chein Morris
Published October 2023 via She Writes Press
★★★

We used to dance, my sister and I. There we'd go, swirling around the room, both of us laughing with glee. Of course, we were younger then; she, more relaxed and I, more able to hold her in my arms. Oh, how we dipped and glided, so comfortable was she in my arms. Those were happy days when we used to dance. (loc. 34*)

Debbie and Judy were identical twins, the babies of the family, in some ways the best of friends, but Judy's cerebral palsy kept her between wheelchair and bed while Debbie grew up and moved away. Unusually for the time, their parents kept Judy at home—knowing that they would be able to provide a love and care that an institution could not—but as their mother aged and it became harder and harder to care for Judy at home, Judy's doctor gave them an ultimatum: it was time for Judy to go into a nursing home.

We Used to Dance is Morris's story of that transition, one neither she nor her mother nor Judy wanted. Morris is clear-eyed in her assessment of the situation: yes, Judy's care at home was no longer the same quality it had been when their father was alive or their mother younger—but she had the benefit of living with a family who loved her whole-heartedly and unconditionally, and from the beginning of the book Morris is asking hard questions about the point at which the importance of happiness supersedes that of longevity. Morris's conclusions won't be for everyone, but it's clear that she and her mother—and, though they were less involved in Judy's care, the rest of the family—wanted what was best for Judy, as did Judy's doctors. It's a terribly hard place when "best" is subjective, and the person cannot be a full participant in that conversation.

Morris doesn't include concrete recommendations for other caregivers (though the final copy might be different), but if you take away one thing from the book I hope it will be this: I didn't want to rock the boat. What I didn't realize then was that it was my right to rock the boat if I felt things weren't up to par. I forgot that we are the voices for those who cannot speak for themselves. (loc. 746)

Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.

*I read an ARC, and quotes may not be final.