Review: "Kissing Girls on Shabbat" by Sara Glass

Kissing Girls on Shabbat by Sara Glass
Published June 2024 via Atria
★★★★

Growing up in a Hasidic community in Brooklyn, Glass knew what her life would look like: she'd marry a man, get the level of education their rabbi (or, maybe more to the point, his rabbi) approved of and no more, be permitted to use birth control only in rare occasions, and keep her body and hair covered. For the rest of her life. She also knew what she wanted: to earn a PhD, to have some small freedoms to make choices for herself, to have a say in the number and timing of her children, and to be allowed to love a woman.

I've read enough about conservative religion in various forms to be unsurprised by a lot of what Glass writes about, but there are still things that...well. "As a bride you have special mercy on your wedding day," Mrs. Levenstein, my bridal instructor, said as we sat at the folding table in her husband's study. "You can ask God for forgiveness, and he will wipe your slate clean, anything you have ever done wrong will disappear." (loc. 371*)

At the time, Glass used this as permission to do forbidden things in advance of her wedding, but I'm fascinated for other reasons. First, the idea that this bridal instructor was running a successful business from her home—but the study was still considered her husband's study. Not theirs, let alone hers. And then there's this idea of wiping the slate clean; I'd love to know how widespread that is in Judaism (it's not something I've ever heard, but then, I'm not super well read on Judaism), but also...I want to know what kind of mental gymnastics it requires to both place a premium on women's 'purity' and to say that marriage will wipe away any sins. I sort of imagine that neither one's betrothed/husband nor one's rabbi would be likely to be so forgiving?

Or: After a few more awkward phone passes, a call to Mrs. Levenstein, and another call from the rabbi, we arrived at our answer. We had not had marital intercourse last night. False alarm. (loc. 493) There's a lot of context to that quote that I'm leaving out, but the short version is that when everything is regimented, down to when you and your husband can and cannot physically touch, conversations get awkward. Glass describes living in some ways outside the law—because Hasidic law was stricter, and more specific, and it didn't really matter what the secular courts said if the rabbinical courts had different opinions.

We were under a town-wide internet ban. As the internet became a standard feature of modern life, the rabbis decided that it was for the secular world, not for us. In special cases, such as for work purposes, one was permitted to use the Yeshiva Net provider, which allowed access to "whitelisted" websites. I had a dial-up DSL connection monitored by Yeshiva Net, which meant that when I first wanted to access the Rutgers University Library website, the Gap, or Children's Place, I had to call the Yeshiva Net office to ask them to allow those sites. When I called to ask if I could add Google to my list, the sleepy male voice at the other end said, "Mrs. Schwartz, many people find that to be a strong temptation. We don't allow search engines." How could I admit that I wanted to explore more temptations? He would ask to speak to my husband. (loc.1656)

The ways in which the community operated outside the law come to define huge portions of the book, because according to Hasidic law (or the local interpretation of it), pushing the boundaries could lead to the loss of Glass's children—and it's only late, late in the book that she starts to understand that there's a whole 'nother set of laws out there, ones where your rights are not determined by whether or not you keep every strand of natural hair under your wig.

There's a lot to say here that there just isn't space for in this review. I'm reminded a bit of Brazen, but with Glass seeking to unpick her layers of trauma and reaction rather than just to shock the reader. It's a fast and fascinating read, and I'm glad Glass refused to accept that the status quo was the only way to go.

A note on Israel: This is a book that is, unsurprisingly, heavy on Judaism. It takes place almost entirely in the eastern US. Israel is mentioned a handful of times—Glass had family there, and she spent some time there as a young woman. It's not discussed in any detail. I read a revised ARC, so I can't speak for the earlier version, but Glass includes this paragraph in the author's note at the beginning: Please note that this manuscript was written prior to October 7, 2023. There are references to Israel throughout this manuscript, and those references do not and cannot communicate the full context or complexity of that date. Nor to they communicate my feelings about what has taken place in the days, weeks, and months afterward. My heart breaks for the people of Gaza and the victims of October 7. (loc. 58) I am taking that at face value for the sake of this book and looking elsewhere for my reading on Israel and Palestine; however, it may not be enough for some readers, and if that's you, I recommend passing on this book.

Thanks to the author and publisher for providing a review copy through NetGalley.

*Quotes are from an ARC and may not be final.