Review: "Thank You, Next" by Kathryn Freeman

Thank You, Next by Kathryn Freeman
Published June 2024 via One More Chapter
★★

I continue to make questionable reading decisions about books with reality TV show settings. Now, if I'm honest: I mixed up the author with a YA author whose books I've read (their names aren't even that similar!) and up until the end of Thank You, Next I thought that this was that YA author's first foray into romance. And, ah, that she should stick to YA. Turns out that this is a different author, of course, but oh gosh, this was not the book for me. (This review is neither very balanced nor very patient, so if you're trying to decide whether or not to read the book, please don't take it as your only source of information.)

The premise: Molly is blindsided when her boyfriend Duncan breaks up with her (excuse me—suggests that they take a break) so that he can go on a reality TV dating show and gain exposure for his online fitness coaching business. When Molly is inexplicably cast herself, she gets her second blindsiding: her other recent-ish ex, Ben, whom she still hasn't forgiven for breaking up with her when she thought things were going well, is also on the show. And Molly's been paired with him. (Cue Molly making her TV debut by throwing her drink in his face.) Now they're stuck together for the duration of the show while Duncan flexes his muscles, Molly swoons over him, Ben pops an erection every other time Molly steps on-page, and they (Molly and Ben, but also sort of Molly and Duncan) have to decide whether or not to get married at the end of the month.

Meanwhile, the reader learns pretty early on that when Ben and Molly dated, his ex had just died, and he wasn't in a place for a serious relationship; Molly didn't know this at the time, so she was left feeling as though she must have done something wrong. And that's fair—I think we can agree that communication is healthy! It would be helpful if Ben talked about his feelings more! It would be helpful if Molly were more honest about her own context! But even once Molly knows Ben's background, she throws their breakup back in his face over and over and over again, because as far as Molly's concerned, her trauma trumps Ben's trauma, and if he can't get over his trauma and become a perfect communicator immediately, and also be willing to marry her after a weeks-long courtship that she spends half of trying to get back together with Duncan, it's just proof that he doesn't love her and never will. (Obviously nobody ever suggests that Molly work on her own trauma.)

Now...in any sort of real-world setting, Molly would be cast as the villain here. I'm not saying that's fair—she's dumb as a box of rocks, but she's not mean. But when she introduces herself on TV by flinging a drink in someone's face, and then viewers learn that she's previously dated two of the men on the show, and she talks a big game about how she's sunshine and Ben is grumpy but then she spends all her time pouting and whining, you'd better believe that the producers are going to be rubbing their hands with glee at how easy it'll be to paint her as a villain. Reality shows about relationships aren't actually about relationships—they're about viewership. The producers wouldn't be letting Molly and Ben drag each other off-camera every five minutes to have heart-to-hearts, dry-hump like middle-schoolers set loose on the dance floor, and bone—they'd be popping up like Ben's erections to cause trouble. Viewers love to have a villain to hate on, and for all that Molly thinks she's America's England's sweetheart, she would be assigned to the role of Whiny Indecisive Ditz in about three seconds flat, and then the producers would shuffle things around so she was paired with Duncan for maximum chaos.

(The rest of the cast, you say? They do not pass the Bechdel test, and the women are either nice but forgettable or into Ben and/or Duncan and therefore evil bitch-sluts for seventy-five percent of the book, until somebody remembers that feminism exists and they all become besties instead. Besties who still don't pass the Bechdel test, of course. What's the point of female friendship if it's not all about men?)

It's a romance novel, so I don't need to tell you how it ends, though I will say that they almost make a sensible decision and then...don't. For the record, I'm also well aware that I'd never be the heroine of a romance novel either; I'd be cast as a villain for any number of reasons, including that I don't want a white picket fence. But since I'm just reading these books, not living in them...well, this is a world a lot of readers will want to live in, but I'll go pick a different world, thank you. Next!